Overwhelming Anxiety

For the past few weeks my anxiety has been getting the best of me. I’ve just felt so overwhelmed by school. Grades, class work, homework. It should be so simple, but it’s not. I can’t talk to anyone about it because no one will understand why I’m struggling so much with such a simple task. I’m too afraid to ask my teacher questions about assignments because there are a lot of people in the classroom. I was supposed to write a research paper. We were working on it for over a week, but I only had four sentences. I never even turned it in. I thought she was going to call me out. I was so nervous. I literally began crying when I thought of it (which was quite often). This may seem completely ridiculous to someone without Generalized Anxiety Disorder, but this is how I feel. I wish I could stop it or control it or something. I have no control over my emotions. I can’t help but to feel terrified at the threat of my teacher calling me out. I’ll feel stupid and awkward in front of the entire class. It’s been two weeks and I’m still terrified that she’ll call me out. My anxiety has driven terrible thoughts into my head. Thoughts of failure and depression and suicide. I’m terrified of the future. I’m terrified of waiting for the unknown. I just want to know if I’ll succeed and follow my dreams and become the person I want to be or if I’ll fail and not be able to get back on my feet, assuming I was on my feet at all. I’m waiting for the future and I don’t know what I will do when it gets here. I don’t know what I will do when it’s time to move out and go to college. I don’t know what I will do for money. I’m so lost. I’m not fit for this world. I can’t handle these basic, everyday things. It’s too much for me and I don’t know what to do. All of this is just so overwhelming. I don’t know what to do.

– Sorry I haven’t posted in so long. I haven’t been in a writing mood. Leave a like. 🙂 Thank you for wasting your time by reading this. Waste even more time and leave a comment for me.

The Boring Life of Haley

I’m sorry I haven’t been on here often. My life is way too boring to write about. I have the same routine every day. I wish I could change it up a little. Go somewhere fun maybe. It’s just so dull here. I can’t leave. I’m stuck in this boring, southern place that’s against everything I believe in. I don’t hang out with anyone outside of school. It makes me feel like they’re not really my friends. It makes me think. When I graduate, will we still keep in touch? Will I still have any friends? I always think to myself that I need to find new friends. Actual friends. Friends that I can count on. I can’t do that though. I can’t go up to someone and ask them to be my friend. This isn’t elementary school. It’s not that easy anymore. I sound pathetic, don’t I? I’m 16 and daydreaming about being able to make friends. It’s sad, really. I’m not charismatic in the least and I couldn’t hold a conversation if my life depended on it. So, what do I do? Do I just do the “lone wolf” sort of deal? Do I just let myself go without friends? That’s too lonely for me. I just don’t know what to do. It’s just another thing to add to that ever growing list of worries. Well, thanks for reading. 🙂 Leave a comment. I would love to read it.

Rambling About My Life

Sometimes I forget I live in the Bible Belt. Alabama is a very religious state so, of course, I’m not going to agree with most people there. In my English class, we had to write down a widely known social issue and how we feel about it. A few students were called on to share what they wrote. The first student called was a guy. His social issue, of course, was gay marriage. You should already know where I’m heading with this. He immediately says he believes it’s wrong without giving any reason why he believes this. I don’t believe he came upon that conclusion himself. I, being a semi-moderately lucky bisexual girl, live in an area that is a bit more accepting of homosexuality and bisexuality. It’s mostly the older people who are against it. My parents included, unfortunately. Honestly, I shouldn’t have come out as atheist to them. I should have come out as bisexual and kept my atheism to myself instead. I don’t even know how I would come out to them. Would getting a girlfriend, bringing her home, and introducing her as my girlfriend be a good or bad idea? That’s assuming I can get a girlfriend in the first place. There are no lesbians around here, that I know of, and all the bisexual girls have a large preference to guys. Unfortunate things like this are exactly why I put the “semi” in front of “moderately”. Anyway, I’m going to quit rambling and publish this already. Thanks for reading. 🙂 Comments are appreciated.

We The Kings + Little Update

I’ve become such a big fan of We The Kings lately. If you don’t know who they are, they are an alternative rock band. I love their songs. Especially Say You Like Me and Check Yes, Juliet. I’ve recently gotten on Spotify and downloaded a lot of their songs. Including some other bands such as All Time Low, The Downtown Fiction, A Rocket To The Moon, and Every Avenue. This might not be as long as my other posts because I don’t have much to say. I just wanted to make a post since I haven’t made one in a little while. I think it’s obvious I’m not gonna make the ‘one post a day’ goal I was shooting for. That’s fine though. I’ll still post whenever I have something to say. Thanks to those who have subscribed to me and liked or commented on my posts. 🙂 I’ve really appreciated it. Like I’ve said before, I like when you leave your opinions and thoughts. Thanks for reading. 🙂 I’ll make another post soon. Maybe tomorrow, if I remember.

My End Goal

I go to school and try to make good grades, I take classes to help me with the future, I study for the ACT in hopes of getting an academic scholarship, but for what? I have no idea what I want to do. I want to move. I don’t have the money to move. I want to go to a good college. I don’t even have a small idea to what I want to study. I’m so afraid of the future. Beyond afraid. I’m painfully terrified. I have no idea what my end goal is in life. Where do I want to live? Am I gonna be able to handle a job? What college is good for me? What do I want to study? What if I fail? What if I can’t pay back the loan? What if I’m unable to get a job? What if I become homeless? Sometimes I feel like I can’t do this. I feel like I’m not fit to handle life. There are some days that are so dark, I just think about ending it. Making the questions and the “what ifs” stop for good. Doing it so I don’t have to face any of my worries coming true. I hate those thoughts. I always tell myself that I’ll do it if my worries come true. I know it’s a horrible thing to think, but it keeps those thoughts at bay. These thoughts and these questions eat me alive everyday. I have no end goal. How am I supposed to reach a goal that I don’t even know exists? Everything I want is far out of my reach. I can stretch for it all I want, but I’ll never achieve it. I just want to start over. I want to be born in a different place at a different time and just leave my disorder behind. I so desperately wish that was possible. I want to know what it feels like not to worry. I want to know what it feels like to be confident in everything I do. I’m afraid of everything. There’s nothing in the world that will change me. That fact hits me so hard. I just want it to stop. I want to succeed. I want to be happy. I want to have an end goal. Thanks for reading. Leave a nice comment to put a smile on my face! 🙂

The Heterosexual German Girl

The other day had been my second day back to school and I already have a crush. That has to be a new record. There is this girl in my photography class. This girl is gorgeous. I walk in the classroom and she gives me the cutest smile. There were plenty of places to sit, but, of course, I instantly decided to sit next to her. I don’t know why. Maybe to give myself the chance to say something? I didn’t speak a word. I’m not very good at striking up conversation. I silently hoped she would turn around and say ‘Hi’, but she faced the door, waiting for a friend. After a few minutes, all the seats are filled and the teacher strikes up a conversation with the girl. Even though her voice was soft, I could hear she had an accent, but I couldn’t quite pinpoint what it was. That was until they started talking about Germany. When she spoke a little louder, I could hear the obvious German accent. Of course, that just made me like her even more. We’ve chatted a few times while heading to fourth period. We’ve only spoken to each other twice and for a short time. I would probably try to ask her out or something if there wasn’t just one little problem. She’s straight. It sucks that I can’t date her and it sucks to get a crush on a straight girl. I would like to be friends with her though, but, like I said before, I’m not good at striking up a conversation. Thanks for reading. 🙂 I know I haven’t posted for a few days, but school just started so I’ve been a little busy.

Dreams Can’t Always Be Followed

I’ve lived in this town my entire life. It’s boring and uneventful. I’ve met so many people here and I can’t stand over half of them. If I could, I would go somewhere else. Just somewhere out of this town and out of this state. I just want to meet new people, see new things, and be more active. I just want to start my life over again. I’m tired of being the quiet, scared, awkward girl that everybody sees me as. I want to be successful and outspoken. I feel like success isn’t an option here. I want to go to college where I want to and not where I have to. I want to go halfway across the country and live happily and comfortably. I want to get out of the Bible Belt and go, even though this sounds cliché, somewhere I belong. I want all of this so badly, but it can never happen. No matter how hard I try, I can’t make my dreams come true. I can’t do it for two reasons. The first reason being money. I can’t afford doing something like that. I can’t even afford braces. The second reason is my disorder. I can’t just go off and do something like that alone. Maybe if I had a trustworthy friend with me for comfort then that problem would be solved, but that just brings me back to reason number one. The point of this is that I feel miserable and I feel like leaving will help. I can’t do that so I don’t know what will help, if anything. Thanks for reading. I’ll be happy to read any comments you leave. 🙂

The Wannabe Author

I love writing stories. I always daydream about becoming a published author and have people reading my books. There’s a couple of problems with that though. First of all, I can never finish writing a book. I can’t even finish writing a chapter. I have this awesome plot just forming in my head, but I’m unable to put it on paper. Secondly, I’m terrible at writing. My friend says my writing is good, but she’s biased. That, or she may actually think it’s good. I can’t seem to make myself like it though. I keep redoing it, hoping it comes out better. Once I get writer’s block, more ideas start forming in my brain that have nothing to do with the story I’m writing. So I begin starting new stories and I can never finish them. Repeat that a few times and that’s the predicament I’m in. I’ve been trying to stick to one story though. I’ve just begun this one. I have an amazing plot in my mind, but I don’t know how that’s gonna turn out when I type it up. So, wish me luck and hopefully I’ll be able to finish it. If I even get through chapter one. Remember that commenting is encouraged. As always, thanks for reading! 🙂

My Greatest Flaw

My greatest flaw is definately my disorder. It holds me back so much. I constantly worry about everything. Especially the future. I worry about being able to get a job and if I’ll even be able to maintain a job with this disorder. I worry about if I’m gonna be able to afford a house, or groceries even. All of these worries get planted in my head and I just can’t make them stop. I always imagine the worst case scenario happening in every situation. It’s so hard just to get from class to class. I am absolutely dreading the first day back to school, but I’ll save that for another post. The point is I worry about the smallest, most unintimidating things. This effects me in my everyday life and keeps me from doing things I want to do. I’ve missed out on so many birthday parties just because I didn’t know everyone who was gonna be there. I’ve dreaded doing a presentation the entire night before, so worried I was unable to sleep. I don’t like telling anybody about my worries, even close friends, because they’re so insignificant, no one would understand. This is my greatest flaw. I’ve tried so hard to ignore it or forget about it, but it’s impossible. Therapy and medication aren’t an option. I just have to live with it and hopefully I’ll be able to continue functioning after high school. Well thanks for reading. Please leave a comment if you have any inputs. I would love to hear what you have to say. 🙂

Dad Despises Vegetarianism

So my friend and I want to become vegetarians. Her mom is accepting of this decision and even buys her meat substitutes. I brought up the topic to my dad by telling him that my friend was a vegetarian. He then proceeded to tell me that vegetarianism and veganism is stupid and “we have sharp teeth for a reason. We’re carnivores.” Of course, I corrected him and said that he meant omnivore, but that doesn’t matter. What matters is that I want to become a vegitarian, but it’s impossible if I have nothing to eat. Most of the snacks we have contain meat. Meat is a part of our daily diets. I can’t tell him I want to be vegetarian and I can’t just sneak meat substitutes in when I’m not the one who cooks. I want to be vegetarian, but he’s making this impossible. I don’t even see why he doesn’t like it so much. I didn’t say that he had to become vegetarian. Anyway, that’s my rant of the day. If you have any input to this then please leave a comment. 🙂