Overwhelming Anxiety

For the past few weeks my anxiety has been getting the best of me. I’ve just felt so overwhelmed by school. Grades, class work, homework. It should be so simple, but it’s not. I can’t talk to anyone about it because no one will understand why I’m struggling so much with such a simple task. I’m too afraid to ask my teacher questions about assignments because there are a lot of people in the classroom. I was supposed to write a research paper. We were working on it for over a week, but I only had four sentences. I never even turned it in. I thought she was going to call me out. I was so nervous. I literally began crying when I thought of it (which was quite often). This may seem completely ridiculous to someone without Generalized Anxiety Disorder, but this is how I feel. I wish I could stop it or control it or something. I have no control over my emotions. I can’t help but to feel terrified at the threat of my teacher calling me out. I’ll feel stupid and awkward in front of the entire class. It’s been two weeks and I’m still terrified that she’ll call me out. My anxiety has driven terrible thoughts into my head. Thoughts of failure and depression and suicide. I’m terrified of the future. I’m terrified of waiting for the unknown. I just want to know if I’ll succeed and follow my dreams and become the person I want to be or if I’ll fail and not be able to get back on my feet, assuming I was on my feet at all. I’m waiting for the future and I don’t know what I will do when it gets here. I don’t know what I will do when it’s time to move out and go to college. I don’t know what I will do for money. I’m so lost. I’m not fit for this world. I can’t handle these basic, everyday things. It’s too much for me and I don’t know what to do. All of this is just so overwhelming. I don’t know what to do.

– Sorry I haven’t posted in so long. I haven’t been in a writing mood. Leave a like. 🙂 Thank you for wasting your time by reading this. Waste even more time and leave a comment for me.

My End Goal

I go to school and try to make good grades, I take classes to help me with the future, I study for the ACT in hopes of getting an academic scholarship, but for what? I have no idea what I want to do. I want to move. I don’t have the money to move. I want to go to a good college. I don’t even have a small idea to what I want to study. I’m so afraid of the future. Beyond afraid. I’m painfully terrified. I have no idea what my end goal is in life. Where do I want to live? Am I gonna be able to handle a job? What college is good for me? What do I want to study? What if I fail? What if I can’t pay back the loan? What if I’m unable to get a job? What if I become homeless? Sometimes I feel like I can’t do this. I feel like I’m not fit to handle life. There are some days that are so dark, I just think about ending it. Making the questions and the “what ifs” stop for good. Doing it so I don’t have to face any of my worries coming true. I hate those thoughts. I always tell myself that I’ll do it if my worries come true. I know it’s a horrible thing to think, but it keeps those thoughts at bay. These thoughts and these questions eat me alive everyday. I have no end goal. How am I supposed to reach a goal that I don’t even know exists? Everything I want is far out of my reach. I can stretch for it all I want, but I’ll never achieve it. I just want to start over. I want to be born in a different place at a different time and just leave my disorder behind. I so desperately wish that was possible. I want to know what it feels like not to worry. I want to know what it feels like to be confident in everything I do. I’m afraid of everything. There’s nothing in the world that will change me. That fact hits me so hard. I just want it to stop. I want to succeed. I want to be happy. I want to have an end goal. Thanks for reading. Leave a nice comment to put a smile on my face! 🙂

The Heterosexual German Girl

The other day had been my second day back to school and I already have a crush. That has to be a new record. There is this girl in my photography class. This girl is gorgeous. I walk in the classroom and she gives me the cutest smile. There were plenty of places to sit, but, of course, I instantly decided to sit next to her. I don’t know why. Maybe to give myself the chance to say something? I didn’t speak a word. I’m not very good at striking up conversation. I silently hoped she would turn around and say ‘Hi’, but she faced the door, waiting for a friend. After a few minutes, all the seats are filled and the teacher strikes up a conversation with the girl. Even though her voice was soft, I could hear she had an accent, but I couldn’t quite pinpoint what it was. That was until they started talking about Germany. When she spoke a little louder, I could hear the obvious German accent. Of course, that just made me like her even more. We’ve chatted a few times while heading to fourth period. We’ve only spoken to each other twice and for a short time. I would probably try to ask her out or something if there wasn’t just one little problem. She’s straight. It sucks that I can’t date her and it sucks to get a crush on a straight girl. I would like to be friends with her though, but, like I said before, I’m not good at striking up a conversation. Thanks for reading. 🙂 I know I haven’t posted for a few days, but school just started so I’ve been a little busy.